How much of your workday do you spend dealing with conflict? According to one expert, most of us spend 20 percent of our time dealing with irritations, frustrations, and annoyances (at least seemingly) caused by other people. "The ability to manage conflict has become a key skill," says Dr. Kenneth Thomas in Dealing with Conflict, a 1992 training video that capitalizes on some of the management professor’s best-selling theories. "Customers, suppliers, regulators, bosses and co-workers" are all sources of conflict that he says we must contend with if we are to keep our collective cool.
Thomas is professor emeritus of business and public policy at the Naval Postgraduate School in Monterey, California. He became famous for his conflict management theories more than thirty years ago when he and Dr. Ralph Kilmann developed a 30-question survey that measures individual use of five conflict management styles. The resulting Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Inventory has since become a favorite of human resource departments and organizational psychology consultants.
The Thomas-Kilmann Inventory, or TKI, posits that most of us use some combination of the following five behaviors when facing a conflict.
• Competing , or satisfying one’s own concerns at the expense of another. A person who competes may pull rank, get involved in power struggles, or develop a reputation for always doing things by the book. Competing may be useful, however, when quick action is needed, you know you are right, and the issue is vital to protecting yourself or others.
• Collaborating , or seeking a win-win solution that completely satisfies both people. Collaborating tends to take a lot of time because the parties must ascertain each other’s concerns. One cannot assume anything about what drives the other party. For example, an employer cannot assume that a young female employee is chronically late because of childcare problems or that an older employee is afraid of computers. The employer must take the time to find out . And the other party may not wish to divulge what he or she regards as a weakness until some degree of trust has been established. The payoff may be worth the time and money invested, however, if the result is a permanent solution based on deeper trust and understanding.
• Compromising , or seeking an acceptable settlement that only partially satisfies both people. Often called "splitting the difference," compromising is useful when time is of the essence, the parties possess roughly equal power, and the issue is of only moderate importance. "Half a loaf is better than none," may be compromisers’ rallying cry.
• Avoiding , or sidestepping the conflict without trying to satisfy either party’s concerns. Choosing to avoid an issue is not always a cop-out. Picking your battles allows you to focus on important issues and avoid wasting time on trivial matters. It also allows you to let other parties resolve a situation if it really is their problem and not yours.
• Accommodating , or attempting to satisfy the other person’s concerns at your expense. People who use this response to the exclusion of all others may come to feel like doormats. "I’m just asking" or "It was only a suggestion" may be their frequent refrain. Still, accommodating may be used to show reasonableness, build trust, or keep the peace.
Not surprisingly, collaboration is the one that requires each of them to each pay attention to the needs of all involved. Needless to say, this is not always easy. As Dr. Thomas says, "Of all five positions, collaboration requires the most patience and commitment to achieve. But when you’re successful, you completely satisfy the concerns of both parties."
He adds that a concern is "anything you care about." A concern, he says, can be an intangible, such as: • Your image; • Power in an organization; • A goal, such as a deadline or a production quota; or • Something you believe in.
Conflict arises, Dr. Thomas says, when a person feels that one of his or her concerns is threatened. But, he says, we often have some choice as to how we respond to conflict, and knowing our preferred conflict response may help us navigate those choices. It also helps us understand the actions of others.
For more information on the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Inventory, see www.cpp.com (formerly Consulting Psychologists Press), which sells the TKI. The web site includes a free sample report that demonstrates how those taking the TKI might expect to receive feedback as to their preferred conflict management style. Christine Martin is a freelance writer and 1997 graduate of the University of Illinois Graduate School of Library and Information Science.
SPECIALLY DEDICATED TO MY GRADUATING POST GRADUATE STUDENTS :-
Edy, Maria, Fazlin, Sekam and Alexson....
Congratulations! All the best, dear! May you be blessed with a better prospect in your career development and a brighter future ahead! Thank you all for the dinner, and the sweet gift too. It was marvellous! ;-)
* Think - Occasionally, we wait for the person to finish speaking and then we have a quick response. So that means we weren't listening, but just waiting to get our own words in. If you're not sure what the person is saying, say it. If necessary, repeat what they said and give them a chance to clarify. Correct communication will save a lot of drama.
* Take Ownership - Sometimes it takes a heated argument for many of us to say that we are wrong. We get caught up with trying to make ourselves look and sound good. Or we think the other person doesn't know what they're talking about and treat them that way.
* Listen - Don't feed into your emotions. From time to time, we tend to let our pain or anything else overshadow our part in the matter. To deflect blame, we make it about something else rather than what it really is. Save the Kleenex and call to your friends. Hear what the other person is saying; not what YOU think they are saying.
* Avoid Being Defensive - When you're being defensive, your response will come from an attack mode. You will not trust the intentions of the person that is speaking to you. Be careful to not let your fears prompt this type of reaction. Eventually it will lead to other squabbles about anything underneath the kitchen sink!
* Apologize - Apologize and be sincere about it. People know when you're not being genuine. Especially, if you say sorry and then do the same thing shortly after. Try to back it up with taking corrective steps.
* Be Humble - It's a tough pill to swallow when you have to admit that you were wrong or overlooked something. What can make it tougher is being unwilling to look human and admit your mistake. We all make them. Nevertheless, admitting wrong and not coming back with another excuse after you admitted fault, earns respect and trust from others.
* Learn & Move Forward - Not saying to throw a pity party, but ask yourself why did you do it in the first place? Was it fear of rejection, pride, egotism or a combination of all of these things? Learn from it. Drop the reasons and start a new season!
Lesley D. Nurse "Create a better life and an even better you!" Author of "19 Reasons Why He Really Left You Honey!" http://www.lesleynurse.com http://lesleydnurse.wordpress.com/
Defensive is an adjective, it describes a quality to defend. In psychology, protecting oneself from the outside influences or criticism or real or perceived threats to the ego, is termed as defensive behaviour. Defensive behavior is defined as that behavior which occurs when an individual perceives threat or anticipates threat in the group. The person who behaves defensively, even though he also gives some attention to the common task, devotes an appreciable portion of his energy to defending himself. Besides talking about the topic, he thinks about how he appears to others, how he may be seen more favorably, how he may win, dominate, impress, or escape punishment, and/or how he may avoid or mitigate a perceived or an anticipated attack.
Such inner feelings and outward acts tend to create similarly defensive postures in others; and, if unchecked, the ensuing circular response becomes increasingly destructive. Defensive behavior, in short, engenders defensive listening, and this in turn produces postural, facial, and verbal cues which raise the defense level of the original communicator
If you want to do well in any field in life, you need to be able to receive, interpret, and respond to feedback you get about your actions and progress in that field. It's always great to get positive feedback and to be told that what you are doing is wonderful.
It's much more difficult to deal with feedback which tells you that you are not so great, or that your endeavours are really rubbish. And it's very easy to get defensive at the slightest hint of criticism. But the truth is that negative feedback (if it is not a personal attack) is a very useful tool in developing your skills and talents, and showing you the areas where you need to improve.
There are several ways that you can think of to stop being defensive :-
1. Think First - This can be costly, if you refuse to think first and just react. Not to mention that you will miss what the other person is trying to say. It might be helpful for you.
2. Humble Yourself - This is not about chiming in and proving your defiance. Everything does not require a reply, try staying quiet and absorb what is being said. This will help things run more smoothly.
3. Ask A Question - If something was said that offended you, in your mind, pause for a second before you assume and ask them what they meant to avoid taking anything the wrong way.
4. Don't Be Wrong & Strong - People can forgive you if you say sorry and admit you're wrong. What most people have a bigger problem with, is knowing you're wrong but you continue arguing like you were right anyway.
5. Communicate Carefully- Either they are a friend or foe; the important factor is not what others say, but how you respond. Always be alert of what you say and how you say it.
6. Listen Closely - It's not what you feel like hearing, it's what's being said. It's very tempting to cut someone off and argue your point instead. Ask yourself is this really about the principle or just not having your short comings revealed?
7. Admit It - This shows the other person that you are not in denial and admit to your defensive ways. Be careful to not just admit fault because it sounds good or to end the fight. The next time you do it again, they might not be so forgiving and lose confidence in your integrity or ability to change.
8. Be Aware Of Your Issues - Be proactive to ending the cycle of being defensive. Write it down everyday about your new promise to end this self - destructive habit. Replace what you will not do any longer, with what you will do in its place. Always keep it in the back of your mind your weakness of being defensive, so when you feel yourself in a similar situation, it will alarm you to think carefully and optimistically before you respond.
9. Avoid Using Sorry Often - If you make a mistake, that's OK. If you make the same mistake routinely, it will be difficult for anyone to believe you're sincere or that you comprehend how deeply your issues truly are.
10. Think Positively - If you do not think good about yourself, your mind will default to thinking negatively about everything. And when you speak negatively it will show that is the way you think of yourself on the inside.
11. Don't Try To Force Your Opinion on Others - You might instill fear or manipulation into others. However, the only one that will hurt the most is you. 12. Stop Worrying About Other People - If you continue to only worry about what part other people play, then you will never focus on the part you played and learn from it. Rather, you will keep making excuses, point blame and argue just to argue.
If you are lucky, someone who cares enough will point this out to you, so you can take the corrective steps to overcome being defensive. If you're wise, you won't wait any longer to start to change being defensive on your own. Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Lesley_D._Nurse
A wedding is the ceremony in which two people are united in marriage or a similar institution. Wedding traditions and customs vary greatly between cultures, ethnic groups, religions, countries, and social classes. Most wedding ceremonies involve an exchange of wedding vows by the couple, presentation of a gift (offering, ring(s), symbolic item, flowers, money), and a public proclamation of marriage by an authority figure or leader. Special wedding garments are often worn, and the ceremony is followed by a wedding reception.
Wedding marks the beginning of a new life. It is one memorable moments where the loved ones come together to share their happiness and joy. Wedding reception rituals are a great way to introduce guests to different familial, religious and ethnic customs followed by the bride and groom. It is a the time to celebrate the newly weds when family and friends get together to participate in their sacred moments. It gives great opportunities for all to reunite with friends and relatives that they haven't met for quite some time.
In fact, I've just came back from my niece's wedding (Hanie and Fazli) today. Well, it seems to be my third reunion in one month time, although the first two was with my friends. This one was more like a family affair, a get together, where almost everybody I know was there, friends and relatives...Everybody's busy catching up with each other "where abouts", updating themselves with the recent development, and finally recapturing those memorable moments together. Although it was a quite tiring occasion for sure, but it certainly worthy every minute of it. This is also the time to show how much our love and affection for our dearest ones.
Specially for the The Newly Weds, Hanie and Fazli :
Congratulations to both of you, for being finally united as "man and wife". May you both be blessed with joy and happiness for ever and ever....till the end of time!
Here's a special poem for both of you, dear!
Blessing For A Marriage James Dillet Freeman May your marriage bring you all the exquisite excitements a marriage should bring, and may life grant you also patience, tolerance, and understanding.
May you always need one another - not so much to fill your emptiness as to help you know your fullness. A mountain needs a valley to be complete; the valley does not make the mountain less, but more; and the valley is more a valley because it has a mountain towering over it. So let it be with you and you.
May you need one another, but not out of weakness.
May you want one another, but not out of lack.
May you entice one another, but not compel one another.
May you succeed in all important ways with one another, and not fail in the little graces.
May you look for things to praise, often say, "I love you!" and take no notice of small faults. If you have quarrels that push you apart, may both of you hope to have good sense enough to take the first step back.
May you enter into the mystery which is the awareness of one another's presence - no more physical than spiritual, warm and near when you are side by side, and warm and near when you are in separate rooms or even distant cities.
May you have happiness, and may you find it making one another happy.
May you have love, and may you find it in loving one another!
Reading is to mind while exercise is to the body. "A man may as well expect to grow stronger by always eating as wiser by always reading."
But why do we really need to read? "Reading sweeps the cobwebs away." What does this means? "Reading enhances thinking. It stretches and strains our mental muscles. It hits our narrow, delicate, intolerant views with new ideas and strong facts. It stimulates growing up instead of growing old.
In other words, reading develops us. It scratches those itches down deep inside. It takes us through virgin territory we would not otherwise discover.
There are three classifications of reader: simple reader, gentle reader and intelligent reader. The Simple reader is an ordinary book consumer who read to make use of his spare time. Without any definite purpose, more often than not he does not read a book the second time.
The Gentle reader, who wants to grow and who turns to books as a means of purifying his tastes depends his feelings, broadening his sympathies and enhancing his joy in life. He reads not from a constraint of fashion of learning, but from a thirst of pleasure. Such enjoyment re-establish the heart and quickens it, makes it stronger to endure the ills of life and more fertile in all good fruits of courage, love and cheerfulness.
The Intelligent reader is the particular type of reader whose aim in reading is to obtain better acquaintance with facts. His greatest desire is to learn about things and he treasures books because of the accuracy of information they contain.
To become a good reader, here are some pointers.
- Maintain a healthful routine. This means that to read at your best, you must be in good physical condition. Most of us read only when we are stranded in an island or when we. are confined in the hospital.
- When reading avoid unnecessary distractions. Some people we know have trained themselves to read in noisy surroundings. Most persons, however, find it easier to read in a disturbing sights and sounds.
- Have a clear objective for your reading. Why do you read? And why do you read that kind of book? When you turn the printed page, you should have a clear purpose for reading in mind. Just saying the word's silently while your mind is elsewhere, or when you have no goal for your reading, is a waste of time.
- Get into the habit of reading widely. You can improve your reading ability only by reading abundantly. Get into the habit of reading a great deal. You may start with light materials - with a popular magazine, a daily newspaper, or a book of easy short stories.
Find time to discover the richness of reading. Reading can make you rich in mind and soul. Try reading, you'll enjoy it!
"Freelance writer loves everything for a brighter shine." Visit MS Sapayan's blogs by clicking these links http://www.rsapayan.blogspot.com & http://www.zuleikarhizz.wordpress.com