The Benefits of Growing Older

The Benefits of Growing Older

* You can eat dinner at 4:00

* Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

* Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

* It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.

* People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

* Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

* Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

* Your eyes won't get much worse.

* Things you buy now won't wear out.

* No one expects you to run into a burning building.

* There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

* Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.

* In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

* You can live without sex but not without glasses.

* Your back goes out more than you do.

* You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

* You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

* Your arms are too short to read the newspaper.

* You sing along with the elevator music.

* You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

* You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

* You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

* You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

* People who call at 9 p.m. ask, "Did I wake you?"

* You send money to PBS.

* You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

* Your ears are more hairy than your head.

* You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

* You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

* You bought cable for the weather channel.

* You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

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