1. What are you thinking about? 2. Do you love me? 3. Do I look fat? 4. Do you think she is prettier than me? 5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth).
* Question #1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following: 1. Baseball. 2. Football. 3. How fat you are. 4. How much prettier she is than you. 5. How I would spend the insurance money if you died. (Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")
* Question #2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include: 1. I suppose so. 2. Would it make you feel better if I said yes? 3. That depends on what you mean by love. 4. Does it matter? 5. Who, me?
* Question #3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are: 1. Compared to what? 2. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin. 3. A little extra weight looks good on you. 4. I've seen fatter. 5. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died. * Question #4: Do you think she's prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include: 1. Yes, but you have a better personality 2. Not prettier, but definitely thinner 3. Not as pretty as you when you were her age 4. Define pretty 5. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died. * Question# 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question. (The real answer, or course, is "Buy a Corvette.") No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines: Woman: Would you get married again? Man: Definitely not! W: Why not, don't you like being married? M: Of course I do. W: Then why wouldn't you remarry? M: Okay, I'd get married again. W: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face) M: Yes, I would. W: Would you sleep with her in our bed? M: Where else would we sleep? W: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her? M: That would seem like the proper thing to do. W: And would you let her use my golf clubs? M: Of course not, Dear. She's left-handed.